Minions for Hire
by Subieko
Summary: Galbatorix decides that the way to victory is to hire new minions! Now he's sent Durza, Arya, and a random Urgal to find them...in other fandoms.
1. Prologue

Author's Note: I know, I know...I should be working on the next chapter of ReEragon. But since I have writer's block...I present this to you! It's basically Durza trying to hire minions from various other fandoms, so it's like a massive crossover, I guess. Kinda.

Krunk is my very own character, named after a PC from my D&D game. He's just a bit of a caricature of typical 'evil minions' from fantasy. Enjoy!

Prologue

Galbatorix sat on his throne, frowning. Durza had just delivered a report of the latest failure to catch Eragon. The Ra'zac had failed, Durza had failed, Urgals had failed…now what was he supposed to do?

"Durza, what am I supposed to do?"

Durza sighed. Why was it always _his_ job to figure out what they should be doing? He wasn't the one with a bizarre vendetta against dragon riders. He wasn't the one who ruled an empire that was mostly desert. He wasn't the one who was supposed to think of these things!

"All of my minions have _failed_! I just don't understand it!"

Durza coughed politely. "My Lord, I did tell you that our hiring standards have been severely lowered recently…"

Galbatorix shifted positions, trying to get comfortable. When he found out what moron had commissioned a dragon-shaped throne, they would regret it. "What are our hiring standards right now?"

Durza began ticking them off on his fingers. "Basic understanding of speech, at least one functioning eye, ability to tie shoes and button a coat. That's our test for hiring, actually—we tell the minion to put on boots and a coat and see if he can do it."

Galbatorix buried his face in his hands. "I need better minions." Then he sat straight up, a gleam in his eye. "Wait—that's it! Durza, put out a want ad…and hire me some better minions!"

Durza sighed again. It was going to be a long, long day…

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Krunk!" Durza called. "Krunk, where are you?"

"Here I am," said the Urgal, shuffling forward. He was surprisingly clean and articulate for an Urgal, and he clutched a large sheaf of papers in his hands. When he saw Durza, he tried to hide the papers behind his back.

"Krunk…were you writing epic poetry _again_?"

Krunk shuffled his feet. "It was just for a minute," he mumbled, staring at the floor.

"What have I told you about this? This is exactly why the other Urgals won't work with you! Epic poetry is just not a suitable hobby for a villainous monster! Have you no shame?"

Krunk sniffed. "I know, Sir, I know…I try so hard to be evil and crude and violent, but, well, it's just very difficult, and I had a new idea for a poem, so…"

Durza rubbed his temples. Krunk was an excellent assistant—Durza hadn't done a single piece of paperwork since finding him—but he could be a little irritating sometimes. Well, a lot irritating. All of the time.

"Whatever. I need you to draft a want ad for the paper. The King wants me to do job interviews for some new minions."

Krunk's eyes lit up. "A want ad!? Oh, I can see it now, a sonnet with a rhyme scheme based on 'minion', perhaps some nice art around the border—"

"_Krunk_."

"…sorry, Sir. I'll get right on it."

Krunk hurried off to draft the want ad. Durza only hoped he wouldn't put it in iambic pentameter this time. Status reports were so much harder to read that way. Shrugging, the Shade went off down a different corridor. He had someone else to talk to before he was ready to begin.

-o-o-o-o-o-

Arya sat in the corner of her cell, glaring at any passerby. She heard footsteps coming down the corridor and took a deep breath, steeling herself.

"I'll never tell you any of the Varden's secrets, never I say! I don't care what you do to me, I won't betray my people! You can whip me or starve me or try to probe my mind or—"

"Take a breath before you pass out and listen to me," Durza said, rolling his eyes. He had given up on interrogating the elf. They weren't getting information from her, and he was sick of being temporarily deafened by Arya's rants about how evil they all were.

"What do _you_ want?" Arya said.

Durza dug in his pocket for a moment, searching for the key to her cell. Yo-yo, half a chocolate bar, a handful of paperclips, lint, rubber bands, more lint—ah! so _this_ was where he'd left his skate key!—and there it was at last, the cell key. He unlocked Arya's cell and gestured for her to leave.

"What's going on?" Arya said, taking a step away from the cell door.

"I'm not going to torture you! I…need your help."

Arya just stared at him.

"With job interviews."

More staring.

"For evil minions."

"Why would I help you interview evil minions? I'm one of the Good Guys!"

"That's exactly the reason," Durza said. "You can't be sure how evil a minion is until they're actually faced with a Good Guy."

"Why should I help you?"  
Durza frowned, momentarily stymied. Then he had an idea. "I'll give you chocolate."

Arya sprang forward at once. "It's a deal!"

Durza shook his head as they proceeded off up the corridor. The old chocolate maneuver worked every time.


	2. Will Work For Rings

Author's Note: Yep...another chapter. Don't expect regular updates on this story, though--this chapter and the next one are already written, but after that, I may or may not write it soon...or not...so, yeah. Anyway, the fandom for this one is Lord of the Rings. And there are a handful of jokes in here about Lord of the Rings and Inheritance being similar--don't take it too seriously, it's just me poking fun. (laughs) Enjoy!

  
Chapter 1: Will Work for Rings

Durza sat at the table, looking supremely bored. Arya was next to him, munching on chocolate, and Krunk was on his other side, happily working on his latest epic poem. Durza flipped through the file in front of him. They were expecting a few applicants today—a small group of orcs, some people calling themselves 'Uruk-Hai', someone with very poor handwriting that he couldn't actually read…a good haul.

The door opened. It was the first applicant. It was a tall man—at least they thought it was a man—shrouded in a black cloak. He sat down in the chair and remained staring at them all. At least they thought he was staring—his face was hidden by a black hood.

"Now, you would be…Ringwraith #1. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?" said Durza.

The creature held up a sword and waved it vaguely. He made a circular motion in the air.

"Circle? Loop?"

The creature made the circle again, smaller.

"Ring?"

The creature nodded.

"I see. Now, your references list 'Sauron, almost lord of Middle-Earth'. I tried giving him a call, but I just got an answering machine, something about being utterly destroyed…? Is that why you need work?"

The creature nodded.

"All right, let's a have a demonstration of your skills. If you were going to interrogate her"—he pointed to Arya—"how would you do it?"

The Ringwraith stood up, towering over Arya. Then it made a high-pitched shrieking noise that made the blood run cold. It was the sound of every horrible thing that ever walked in nightmares, the concentrated evil of an entire race, the malice of Mordor itself.

Arya yawned and starting chewing a hangnail.

"…right. We'll get back to you," Durza said. The Ringwraith left, looking rather sad and shaking his fist. The door opened again, and a group of tall, ugly creatures with leathery skin walked in.

"You would be…the Uruk-Hai?" Durza said.

The lead Uruk-Hai nodded. "I'm Grishnak, chief Uruk-Hai!"

"Tell us a little about yourself."

"I was created by Sauraman the great, who gives us manflesh to eat!"

Arya choked, looking disgusted. "Even _you_ aren't that bad," she muttered to Durza.

Durza glared at her, then turned back to Grisnak. "Any special skills?"

"We can run in the sunlight."

"And?"

"For long periods of time."

"Can you outrun a horse?"

Grisnak shuffled his feet. "…almost."

"How are you any different from Kull?"

Grishnak slammed his fist down on the table. "We came _first_, curse you! You're just like those horse-boys, those maggot-ridden fools! We're much better than those Moria goblins! We're much tougher than Lugberz troops! We're—"

"Next!" Durza said, pointing to the door. Grishnak marched out, muttering furiously.

"You know, they looked awfully familiar," Krunk said. "That Ringwraith guy, too. He reminded me of, oh…what was it again…"

"The Ra'zac?" Durza suggested. "Maybe a little. But the Ra'zac are more talkative. And they have lisps."

"That's true," said Krunk. He turned to Arya. "What's a good rhyme for 'churlish'?"

"Er…"

"Krunk, no fraternizing with the prisoners!" Durza said.

Krunk sighed. "No need to be impolite."

Arya smiled at the Urgal. "You're very nice, for a servant of evil. Not like _him_," she added, pointing at Durza. "He's terrible, you know. Absolutely insane."

"That's true," Krunk said. "But I rather like him all the same."

"Would you stop talking about me as if I'm not here!?" Durza said, scowling. "Now who have we got next?"

The door opened, and they all looked forward expectantly, but no one was there. Then they heard a voice coming from somewhere around their knees.

"Smeagol is here for minion job! We likes minions, oh yes, we likes them!"

There was a long, long silence as Smeagol scampered forward on all fours and pulled himself up into the chair.

Durza took a deep breath. "…um. Yes. So. Your name is Smeagol? I don't have a Smeagol listed here…"

Smeagol leaned forward to look at the list, then pointed to the unreadable smudge with one grubby finger. "There's Smeagol's name!"

"…right. So…what are you, exactly?"

"Smeagol is Smeagol! He likes nice hobbitses, and fish, and…and…" Suddenly his voice changed. His bulbous eyes glowed green, and he tugged at his thin hair. "Gollum, Gollum! We hates them, we hates them! We wants the precioussssss!"

"I can't imagine what he is," Arya whispered. "He's like some…some shriveled, tiny person with fangs, claws, and bug eyes."

"I don't _want_ to know what he is," Durza whispered back. Then the two of them remembered they were supposed to be enemies and resumed glaring at each other.

"So what are your skills?" Durza asked Gollum/Smeagol.

"Smeagol finds safe paths for nice master! And he helps master, and…and…Gollum! Gollum! We hates nasty hobbits, we chokes them, we straaaangles them!"

"You don't seem to have any references listed here. Care to comment on that?"

Smeagol/Gollum didn't hear Durza. He was busy arguing with himself. "But we _likes_ nice minion job! No, we hates it, Gollum, Gollum! But minion job is nice! No, minion job will keep precious wages all for itssss nasty self!"

"Okay, I think you can go now," Durza said. When Smeagol/Gollum didn't seem to hear him, Durza got up, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, and threw him out the door. Then he sat back down and dusted his hands off.

"Next?"

They saw several groups of orcs and goblins, a few dark-skinned soldiers who said they were from someplace called Haradun, and someone who called himself the 'Mouth of Sauron' (recently re-capitated), but none of them quite fit the bill of a proper Evil Minion. Durza was beginning to despair of ever finishing this ridiculous job.

Then the door opened, and the last applicant stepped in. He was an old man with long white beard and hair. His face was grave and wise, and his eyes were dark. His robes shimmered first one color and then another. In his hand he grasped a slender white staff.

"Now, you've written down here 'Saruman of the Many Colors'," Durza said. "Care to explain that title?"

Saruman sat down in the chair as if it was a throne. "Greetings, sir, and of course greetings to you, most fair lady."

Krunk sighed. As usual, he was being ignored.

Arya sat up a little straighter. "Well, at least _someone_ around here has taste."

Saruman smiled at her kindly. "Who would not call you beautiful?"

"He wouldn't," Arya said, pointing at Durza.

Saruman's smile widened. "Then he's perfect! An evil minion who can resist the charms of attractive members of the rebellion…it couldn't be better!"

"Mr. Many Colors, _I'm_ here to offer _you_ a job," Durza said.

Saruman smiled. "Please…call me Saruman. And I think I can make you an offer you _can't_ refuse. Join me and become my minion! Together, we shall rule Middle Earth!"

Durza leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. "What's this Middle Earth place like?"

"Oh—a sprawling, fantastical land. Elves, dwarves, men, hobbits, and ents roam. Wizards, a land in the West, beyond the sea, an evil being that must be destroyed, magic…you know, the usual sorts of things."

"That sounds an awful lot like Alagaesia," Arya said, no longer smiling.

"Middle Earth is far _better_ than Alagaesia, you silly girl," Saruman said, his eyes turning cold. "This is a mere _shadow_ of the grandeur that is Middle Earth! My tower, Isengard—"

"That sounds like the Isenstar," Arya said, her eyes narrowing. "Are you just making this up? Because if you are, you could at least try not to copy Alagaesia so much!"

"I don't _need_ to make it up, because Middle Earth is better than this hole, you wretched wh—"

Arya shot to her feet, ready to slap Saruman so hard his head would be on backwards, but Durza beat her to it. He grabbed Saruman by the front of his colorful robes, yanking him up.

"Don't even _think_ about saying it. And if you're not looking for a job, get lost already."

Saruman swallowed hard. When Durza released him, he waited a moment to retain at least some shred of dignity, then fled.

"You're better off here anyway," Arya said.

"What do _you_ care?" said Krunk. "Durza is your enemy. Shouldn't you want him to leave?"

Arya turned to him, her face set. "We Alagaesians have to stick together. If we let some other fandom steal our characters, who knows what might happen?"

Durza rubbed his temples. This day had gone on for far too long. "All right, that's it, I am not interviewing anyone else from this Middle Earth place! Troublemakers, the whole lot of them…Krunk, you file the paperwork."

Krunk nodded and left, his hands full of file folders. Durza got up to leave as well, but Arya grabbed his arm.

"Wait—what about me?"

"What _about_ you?" Durza said, shaking her hand off.

"You're not going to put me back in that cell, are you?"

"Why shouldn't I?" Durza said.

Arya folded her arms across her chest. "If you do, I won't help you. Not even for chocolate!"

They stared each other down for a few minutes, but finally Durza relented. He was tired, he had a headache, and he had to do this all again tomorrow. He did _not_ have the patience for this right now.

"Fine. Whatever. Just go already, and leave me to be miserable in peace!"

Arya nodded, smiling. "Thank you," she said, and walked out with great dignity. Then she paused and leaned back around the door for a moment. "And by the way—Saruman _still_ had better manners than you."

"I'm a villain! I'm not supposed to have manners!"

"Krunk does," Arya called back. "And Saruman is better-looking than you, too!"

Durza ground his teeth. He should never have agreed to this whole idea. Hiring minions, indeed…

"Next time I should tell the King to get off that idiotic throne and do his dirty work himself," Durza muttered.

Yeah. And hell should freeze over next time, too.


	3. Harry Potter and the Minions for Hire

Author's Note: Chapter 2, focusing on the Harry Potter fandom! There are so many good HP villains, I may have to revisit this one at some point...hrm. I had a suggestion for Artemis Fowl, but unfortunately, I...(blushes) I haven't read it. Also, don't expect a speedy update after this one--I probably won't be updating anything again until after my phyiscs AP is done (on Monday, so it's not too long!). Well, enjoy!

Chapter 2: Harry Potter and the Minions for Hire

Arya yawned, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. Now that she wasn't locked up in the dungeons, Uru'baen was actually rather nice. Besides the whole 'dark and creepy palace of the Evil Overlord' thing. The décor was a little gaudy, too.

There was a knock at the door. "Princess Arya?" Krunk said. "Are you ready to go?"

"I'll be there in a moment, Krunk," Arya said. She was about to pull on some clothes when she realized she was already wearing the only clothes she had—her filthy prison tunic. Oh well.

The Urgal and the elf set off down the corridor together, chatting idly. "So what do you think of Uru'baen?" Krunk said.

Arya shrugged. "Oh, well…it's hard to say," she said, not wanting to be impolite."

"I know what you mean," Krunk said. "It's a bit dark and creepy. And I could do with a few less tapestries."

Arya nodded. "So why are you working as Durza's secretary, anyway?"

Krunk laughed nervously. "Ah, yes…_that_. Well, I…er…was never really much of a solider, so…Durza promoted me to Administrative Assistant."

"Wow—that was…nice of him," Arya said, looking shocked.

Krunk nodded. "Yes, it was. I _love_ doing paperwork. And it gives me lots of extra time to work on my poetry. Why, just last night I finished up a few more stanzas of my _Ballad of_ _Uhknark the Great_."

"Might I read it when you're done?"

Krunk blushed furiously, or at least Arya thought he did—it was hard to tell with an Urgal. "Oh—well—I mean, it's not really very—it's hardly fit for someone like you…"

"Not at all," Arya said. "I would be honored to read your work."

Krunk was too tongue-tied to reply, so it was just as well that Durza appeared at that moment. "If you two are done flirting…?"

Krunk blushed even worse and scurried past. Arya followed him, pausing at the doorway.

"Well? What are you waiting for?" Durza said.

Arya looked at him for a moment, then slapped him in the face. "That," she said, and went inside.

"…I will _never_ understand women. Actually, scratch that—I never _want_ to understand women," Durza muttered before following her in.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"What kind of a name is this—Vole-dee-more?" Arya said, snickering.

"Give me my files back!" Durza said, snatching away the papers. "And that's not half as bad as this one—Wormtail. Who would willing call himself _Wormtail_?"

"What makes you think he calls himself that? Maybe that's just his name," Arya said.

Durza shook his head. "No way. Galbatorix will bake the Varden cookies before someone's mother actually calls her child that."

Arya giggled, then clamped her lips shut at once, silently berating herself. An elven warrior did _not_ giggle in the presence of the enemy.

"Here comes the first one now," Krunk said, hiding a smile.

In walked not just one, but three people, all with the same pale skin, extremely fair blond hair, and slightly disgusted expressions. It was the Malfoy family.

"Goodness, I don't think much of this décor," said Narcissa Malfoy, brushing some dust off her black robes.

"I know, darling, but we must make a good impression," said her husband, Lucius Malfoy, smoothing his sleek blond hair. "It's just like how we can't call the Minister of Magic an idiot Muggle-lover to his face."

Their son, Draco Malfoy, scowled. "That man is sillier looking than Potter, and that's saying something."

Arya had to surpress another giggle at the look on Durza's face. The Shade coughed pointedly and magically summoned a few extra chairs. Arya had a feeling he had bothered to summon them with magic instead of just sending Krunk after them because he wanted to show off.

"So why do you want to work with King Galbatorix?" Durza said. Krunk dipped his quill pen into his inkwell, ready to record every word.

"I thought kings were for kingdoms," said Lucius. "Isn't this an empire?"

Durza coughed a little more pointedly.

"Because we had heard that King Galbatorix was an extremely successful, wealthy despot," Narcissa said. "Naturally, we'd like to be allied with him."

"And what makes you think you're suited for the post?"

Lucius drew himself up proudly. "I'll have you know I've been one of the Dark Lord's most beloved servants for years—"

"Dark Lord? You mean this…Voldemort…fellow?"

"Don't say the name!" Narcissa cried, putting a finger to her lips.

"…right," Durza said. "Anyway…your resumes list 'Muggle torture.' What is that, exactly?"

"Oh, you know—tormenting helpless Muggles. People without any magic, that is. They can't fight back, you know, so it's really quite ideal."

"That's a cowardly thing to do," Arya said, her eyes cold.

Durza elbowed her in the ribs. "We're looking for _villains_ here, remember?"

"Well don't you want minions with some courage?"

Before Durza could reply, Draco butted in. "I'm not a coward—I'm just a…a lazy sadist, that's what!"

Arya rolled her eyes. "Oh please. Just because you're attractive doesn't make you villainous."

"You think _he's_ attractive?" Durza said. "Tell me you're joking."

Arya shrugged. "I can dislike someone without finding them unattractive."

"Well what about me?"

Arya shook her head. "You're just a lost cause."

Lucius cleared his throat loudly. "Can we get back to the jobs now?"

Durza looked up. "Hmm? Oh—yes. Don't call us, we won't call you."

"Why—how dare you! I've never been so insulted in my life!" Narcissa cried.

"_I_ have," Draco said under his breath, but he was ignored.

"If you don't get out of here pretty soon, you'll be even more insulted," Krunk said. "Believe me, I've seen him do it."

"We don't need jobs from a _sewer_ like this," Lucius said. "Come, Narcissa, Draco!" The three swept out of the room and back to their own fandom to cause some more havoc for Harry and Dumbledore, leaving Durza, Arya, and Krunk alone again.

"That was rather rude of you," Krunk said, putting his papers in order.

Durza shrugged. "They were annoying. And they _were_ cowards."

Arya smirked. "Told you so."

"So who's next?" Krunk said.

"It says…Bellatrix Lestrange," Durza said. "Another weird name…it must run in the fandom, or something."

The door swung open, and a dark-haired woman with heavy-lidded eyes strode in and sat down in a chair. Her posture made it seem like the chair was a throne.

"You're Bellatrix Lestrange?" Durza said.

She nodded.

Before Durza could get another question in, Arya spoke up. "Where did you get such a silly-sounding name?"

Bellatrix gave her a very, very cold stare. "My name is not _silly_. And who is in charge here?"

"I am," Durza said, glaring at Arya. "Please ignore her—she's one of the Good Guys."

Bellatrix shuddered. "How disgusting."

"Indeed," Durza said, kicking Arya under the table to keep her from protesting. "Now, what made you interested in this job?"

Bellatrix sighed. "Ever since the Dark Lord returned, I've been waiting for some serious havoc and destruction. But we keep _waiting_. I need to branch out."

"I see…now, why don't you give me a small demonstration of your skills? Arya?"

Arya nodded and got up, a faint but wicked smile on her lips. Bellatrix got up as well, and the two walked to the front of the room, facing each other.

"And…go!"

"Crucio!" Bellatrix cried.

Arya kicked Bellatrix in the shins, and the dark-haired woman fell to her knees. "Ouch—that wasn't fair!"

Arya shrugged. "Serves you right for calling me disgusting."

Durza sighed. "Next…and I would appreciate if you'd stop eliminating _all_ the applicants. I do need to hire someone eventually."

"She said I was disgusting."

"But she's a villain. All villains think Good Guys are disgusting."

"Do _you_ think I'm disgusting?" Arya said pointedly, her eyes narrowing. Krunk ducked under the table, his hands clamped over his ears.

Durza considered the elven princess for a moment. "Well…"

"You do!?"

"I might not if you had a bath," Durza said, evidently making an effort to be nice. Not that it succeeded.

"_You're_ the one who locked me in a filthy, disgusting dungeon!" Arya said.

"That was all Galbatorix's fault."

Arya couldn't think of a sufficiently crushing response for that, so she just slapped him again.

Durza sighed. "I _really_ don't understand women."

"It shows," Arya said.

"Hey—where did Krunk go?" Durza said.

"Here," Krunk said, his voice muffled from being under the table.

"Well, come out here. We've got two more coming in."

The door opened again, and two men walked in. One was tall and thin, with greasy black hair hanging in front of a sallow face. His long, beak-like nose shadowed a thin mouth. Beside him was a squat, stout little man with a narrow, almost rodent-like face. His beady eyes were watering, and his tiny nose was quivering.

"Wormtail and Snape?" Durza said. The two men nodded. "Please, sit down," Durza continued. "Now…are you two related?"

The tall man looked like he might vomit.

"Oookay…so…why are you two here together? You're not…er…how to say this…"

"NO!" shouted Snape. "If you _ever_ insinuate that again—"

"All right, all right…sheesh. Don't you think you're being a little touchy? I mean, you come in here together, looking for work, there's bound to be some misunderstandings…" Durza said, twirling his pencil between his fingers. "Anyway…why _are_ you here together?"

Snape rolled his eyes. "The Dark Lord wants to get rid of this worthless minion, and I have to keep an eye on him because he's treacherous, cowardly, double-crossing, stupid, weak—"

Wormtail sniffled a bit. "Severus, there's no need to be so harsh…"

Arya's eyebrows shot up. "You're on first-name terms?"

Durza kicked her under the table again. "So…what makes you think we want some reject minion from another fandom?"

Snape surveyed the little group. "Well clearly you need all the help you can get."

Durza's eyes narrowed. "All right, that's it, out! Out, all of you! I am not hiring anyone from the Harry Potter fandom, I have had it with you people! Your bizarre names, those weird magic sticks you use, you can't even stand up to one half-starved Good Guy prisoner, and you have no respect for us! OUT!"

Wormtail squeaked and ran out the door as fast as he could. Snape gave an aggravated sigh and dashed after him. "Wait up, you idiot, you'll get lost!"

There was silence in the interview room. Krunk have a little cough. "So…I'll just file these papers, then, shall I?"

Durza nodded and swept out of the room, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, grumbling to himself.

Arya rolled her eyes. "He's a little touchy, you know?"

Krunk sighed. "You have no idea…"


End file.
